Updated: Jan 10, 2019
Relationships can be a wonderful source of contribution in our life, they can be the fuel to elevate us, nurture us and give us the wings to create an even greater and happier life.
However, if we make relationship the primary source of our happiness, financial security, social status, instead of us being that for ourselves, it can quickly turn into a substitute. That substitute can be based on fulfilling our needs and wants, which in turn becomes a recipe for codependency, a burden and a source of problems that is adding to our life being harder, instead of happier. And in the process, we tend to lose ourselves in it totally, wondering why our spark has vanished.
And what if all of that was just a choice, and all it took to change it was making a different choice? Or asking a question?
Here are some tips on how to change what isn’t working for you.
Be honest with yourself
The greatest kindness you can give yourself is to be honest with yourself and look at what you really would like to be like and what you would like to have in your life.
Now, take a look at your choices in the relationship and in regard to it. Have they been bringing you closer to the life you would like to be living or further away? And if you find yourself smiling or nodding right now at the second option, then might it be time to make a different choice?
Our tendency is to approach things that are not working for us, by trying to fix them or make them a little better, which is like putting a bandage on a bleeding wound. It doesn’t really work. We are basically doing the same thing a little bit differently instead of doing something entirely different.
Turning things upside down
Flip your relationship on its head and start looking at what is working, instead of what isn’t. Seeing things from another angle can be incredibly helpful.
That being said, one of the key things of being honest with yourself is also being willing to look at the bigger picture and acknowledge what actually is working for you in the relationship as well as what is not.
When we acknowledge what is already working and making us happy, not only does it create a sense of gratitude for us and the people around us, but also opens the door to more of that coming our way.
Turning judgment into gratitude
Learn not to judge yourself, others and the situation you are in. When you’re not judging, it’s easier to see your own value, as well as the value of others. Instead of judgment, you can start looking for things that you are grateful for. This can give you a different perspective on your relationship and what kind of treatment you should be receiving and also giving.
What if being grateful for all of it – the good, bad and the ugly – can create the place, where everything that is not working can change easily and as if by magic. All it takes is looking from a different perspective.
What would change in your relationship if you started every day with letting the other person know how grateful you are for them, and what you are grateful for about them instead of what isn’t right?
Same goes for yourself.
Value Yourself – be you in the relationship
For the things that are not working for you, no matter how you flip it, the key thing here is finding your voice to express your feelings.
Don’t be afraid of being you in the relationship and expressing what is true for you and what makes you happy. The fact that you were being you, attracted the other person to you in the first place. That is what makes you interesting. When you rekindle yourself, you also rekindle your relationship.
So be kind to you and enjoy things that are fun for you and remember to also allow the other person to do the same.
Push the refresh button on the relationship every day or as often as you can remember.
Most of us start the year with all sorts of New Year resolutions, and often times we end up in judgment of ourselves for not following through. It is similar with relationships.
In the beginning we have a variety of expectations of what the relationship will be like and what the other person will deliver, and when they don’t meet them all sorts of things start to pile-up – and before we know it, there is a wall between us.
What if instead, we could press the refresh button and start anew every day, so that we are constantly in the creation mode and not in the maintenance or constant fixing of problems or broken parts and pieces of it.
Put the surprise element in the relationship as often as you can to keep it interesting. Be creative. Do things that are fun together, make each other laugh as often as possible. Like gratitude, laughter is one of the most transformative energies and can create change in the most dynamic way. It also makes us happy.
With all that being said most of the time when we are referring to relationships, we are usually narrowing them down to romantic relationships.
But what if there is more to relationships than just the romantic aspect of it? What if we can broaden our horizons and also look at or include our relationship with family, friends, children, people we work with, money, business, animals, Earth, etc. And then there is also the relationship we have with ourselves and our body.
All the tips mentioned above can also be applied to all of these kinds of relationships.
Include yourself in the computation of your life
What if you didn't have to make any relationship the primary focus of your life? Include other people and things and create healthy relationships with them as well.
Don't forget to include yourself. Take time for you by nurturing and taking care of your body, doing things that are fun and joyful for you, that make you laugh and brighten your spirit. Enjoy yourself and your body. When you are happy and joyful, others benefit from that as well.
What if you could lead a life that was an example for you and everyone you have relationships with and could inspire them to chose greater for themselves as well?
When we start realizing that there are actually two people responsible for creating the relationship, and that we are not the victim, but the creator of our circumstances, things can start changing really dynamically as we start seeing our own value and can start creating our life as we would like it to be, not based on other people’s points of view, wants and desires. And that is the place from which healthy and different kind of relationships can begin to blossom.
Marja Zapusek is an Access Consciousness certified facilitator, Being You certified facilitator and Right Voice for You facilitator. She is also a licensed mediator with a law degree and works in the corporate world as an assistant auditor and CEO of two companies, one in Accounting and one in self-development. Before finding Access, she had tried all sorts of modalities, none of which created any sense of freedom or even much change. Access helped her leave an abusive relationship, create a happy home with her beautiful daughter, and have a healthy relationship with her body. Today she continues to build a thriving business traveling the world – living out her dreams and teaching others to do the same. Follow her on Facebook.