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I lost my spouse this year. He was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer on Feb 26, 2020 and he passed away on July 16, 2020. You can't imagine how heartbreaking it is. And, of course, it's the year where we have all had to navigate huge issues around our world pandemic. It's not the year I planned. It's not the year any of us planned.
It's so hard missing Ben. I wish he was here for all the little things. The daily things. All the little moments that fill my day. I got new glasses today. I moved my RRSP to a new bank. I had caesar salad for lunch- is my breath garlicy? I'll catch up on laundry tomorrow. Do you want to go for a walk? You don't realise how many moments add up in a day. How many moments I miss him.
It's constant. That's why I live in the mix of joy and sorrow.
I have a wonderful, beautiful life surrounded by loving friends and family. I have a house, food on the table, a car and the best cat in the world (Mrs. Mia Meow). I am grateful every day for these simple (yet big) things. It's in between that creates so much exhaustion.
It's the yo-yo of up and down - those wonderful little things followed by the cold realities: you aren't here to admire my new glasses. You aren't here to talk about bank rates. You aren't here to check my breath or help with the laundry and I don't want to take the walk alone.
It takes more work to seek the joy. To hold on to the joyful moments, because right now- they are only moments. And they are fleeting. It's a difficult mental exercise for me. I know the power of our minds, the impact of gratitude, the importance of kindness. I have been a champion for these things for years.
And now, in October 2020, I am struggling to do the mental work myself. I see many others who are a bit lost in the changes that 2020 has flung upon us. I write to inspire and to remind us all- myself included- that nobody is alone. I am here. I am doing my best. And I am thinking of you, as you struggle to do your best too.
Virtual hugs from Kris