How to Prevent a Thanksgiving "Turkey War"

Three simple practices for keeping peace at the holiday table

By Dr. Katie Eastman, Psy.D., LICSW

Psychotherapist | International Best-Selling Author | Grief and Transition Specialist

As you imagine gathering around your Thanksgiving table this year, do you feel anticipation and joy? Or is there a little uneasiness, perhaps even trepidation, about who will be sitting across from you?

Is there someone you love whose beliefs are so different from yours that even the mention of politics can turn a pleasant conversation into a heated debate?

With the November 3 election just weeks before Thanksgiving, some people may arrive at the holiday table feeling relieved or celebratory. Others may feel disappointed, frustrated, or angry. And some may still be struggling to understand how people they love can see the world so differently.

Whatever the outcome, one thing is certain: We don’t have to agree with one another to treat one another with kindness. Most of us don’t want our Thanksgiving gathering to become a battleground. We want laughter, connection, gratitude, and the opportunity to enjoy the people we love, whether they are family by birth or family by choice.

So how do we prevent a Thanksgiving “Turkey War”?

After more than 40 years as a practicing psychotherapist, I have learned that peaceful relationships don’t just happen. They require intention, awareness, and practice.

In The Peace Guidebook: How to Cultivate Hope, Healing, and Harmony for the Good of Humankind, my co-author Elizabeth Hamilton-Guarino and I share practical tools for creating peace in everyday life.

And Thanksgiving is a wonderful place to begin.

1. Make a Peace Promise Before Anyone Arrives. Don’t wait until someone makes an inflammatory comment over the mashed potatoes. Before Thanksgiving, invite everyone who will be gathering to make a simple commitment to peaceful communication.

A Peace Promise includes three agreements:

First, choose kindness. Commit to using calm, caring, and compassionate language. You can disagree without blaming, shaming, judging or criticizing! 

Second, practice curiosity instead of judgment. When disagreements arise, listen more than you speak. Ask questions rather than making assumptions. Remember that understanding someone’s perspective doesn’t mean you have to agree with it.

Third, give everyone permission to call a timeout. If a conversation becomes uncomfortable, emotionally charged, or disrespectful, anyone can ask for a pause. Everyone agrees to honor that request and move on to another subject.

Imagine how different Thanksgiving might feel if everyone knew, before they even arrived, that the intention was to create a gathering where everyone could feel respected. That’s the power of a shared commitment.

2. Pause, Breathe, Choose

Of course, even the best intentions can be tested. Someone makes a comment that immediately raises your blood pressure. You feel your jaw tighten. Your heart beats faster. You have the perfect response ready, and you are absolutely certain they need to hear it! Sound familiar? Before you respond, try a simple practice we teach in The Peace Guidebook.

Pause. Breathe. Choose.

Pause: Stop for a moment before reacting. Give yourself permission not to respond immediately.

Breathe: Take 30 seconds to breathe slowly and comfortably, inhaling gently through your nose and exhaling through your mouth. Allow yourself a little space between what you heard and how you respond.

Choose: Ask yourself, “What words can I choose that reflect the kind of person I want to be in this moment?”

Perhaps your response is, “I know we see this differently, and I respect that you care deeply about it. Let’s enjoy our time together today.” Or simply, “I love you, and I don’t think we need to solve this over Thanksgiving dinner.”

A few intentional moments can interrupt an escalating exchange and give you the opportunity to respond rather than react.

Peace doesn’t mean we never feel anger, frustration, or disappointment. It means we learn to choose what we do with those feelings.

3. Decide What Matters Most: Being Right or Being Connected? Here’s a question I often encourage people to consider:

Would you rather be right, or would you rather preserve a relationship that matters to you?

Of course, there are issues and values we should never be expected to abandon. Choosing peace does not mean accepting abuse, overlooking injustice, or remaining silent when someone is being harmed.

But not every disagreement needs to become a debate. And not every Thanksgiving conversation needs to end with someone declaring victory. Sometimes the greatest gift we can offer another person is the freedom to think differently without becoming our enemy.

Think about the memories you want to create. Years from now, will you remember who won the argument about politics? Or will you remember the laughter, the familiar stories, the hugs, and the feeling of being together? Being right may feel satisfying for a moment. Being connected can nourish us for a lifetime.

And Remember, the Children Are Watching

One of the most important things to consider is the example we set for the children at our holiday gatherings. They are watching. They are listening. They are learning how adults manage differences, disappointment, anger, and disagreement. They notice our tone of voice, our facial expressions, and how we treat someone whose beliefs are different from our own.

What do we want children to learn? Do we want them to be treated the way they see us treating others? Are they observing that people who disagree are enemies? Or that people can hold different beliefs and still treat one another with dignity, compassion, and respect?

Perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give children this Thanksgiving is the experience of watching adults practice peace. Not perfectly. But intentionally.

Let Peace Be Part of Your Thanksgiving Tradition. This Thanksgiving, before the turkey is carved and the conversations begin, consider setting an intention for the day. Choose kindness. Practice curiosity. Give one another permission to pause. Remember that your words can either deepen division or create opportunities for connection.

And when things get difficult, remember three simple words:

Pause. Breathe. Choose.

Peace isn’t simply something we wish for. It’s something we practice, one conversation, one decision, and one relationship at a time.

As you prepare for Thanksgiving, ask yourself: When the day is over, what do I want the people around my table to remember about how they felt in my presence? May the answer be that they felt welcomed, respected, valued, and loved.

And may the only thing getting roasted this Thanksgiving be the turkey!

Dr. Katie Eastman is a licensed psychotherapist with more than 40 years of experience helping individuals, families, and organizations navigate grief, loss, change, and conflict. She is the co-author, with Elizabeth Hamilton-Guarino, of The Peace Guidebook: How to Cultivate Hope, Healing, and Harmony for the Good of Humankind.

Learn more at drkatieeastman.com.