Finding Peace in Who We Are Becoming

Work, identity, and the search for meaningful purpose

By Dr. Katie Eastman, Psy.D., LICSW

“What do you do?” is one of the first questions we ask when meeting someone. It sounds simple, yet it reveals how deeply work can become entangled with identity, belonging, and self-worth. When a career changes, an organization restructures, or retirement begins, we may lose much more than a job description. Naming those losses is one way to recover a sense of peaceful purpose.

If someone asks you to introduce yourself at a gathering, what do you say? Do you begin with your job title? Your profession? The organization you lead? Many of us do. Work can give us community, confidence, structure, contribution, and a sense of purpose. It can also quietly become the primary way we measure our worth.

So what happens when the job changes? When we burn out? When we retire? When the work we once loved stops feeling meaningful? Or when an organization changes around us, and the role we’ve built no longer feels like ours?

I once heard a version of this question that has stayed with me: “If I’m not doing this work anymore, who am I?”

That is more than a career question. It is a question of identity.

Imagine a leader who has spent years creating a strong team. A restructuring changes reporting relationships, processes, and responsibilities. She retains a position, so colleagues say, “You should be grateful.” And perhaps she is grateful. But she also feels diminished. Something important has shifted.

She may be grieving the loss of authority, trust, familiarity, belonging, or competence. Those are intangible losses. They rarely appear in the strategic plan, yet they profoundly influence the experience of change.

Now imagine someone approaching retirement. Everyone talks about travel, hobbies, and freedom. But he is frightened about waking up without the routine that has shaped his life. He wonders whether anyone will need him or value his experience. Again, beneath the visible transition is the loss of identity and meaning.

One of the central ideas in my organizational work is that before we manage resistance, we need to identify loss. What are people afraid of losing? What is motivating their response? What does this change mean to them?

I use a framework called the Loss, Motivation, and Meaning Map to explore these questions. It isn’t designed to label people or pretend we know their feelings. It’s designed to help us become curious.

A manager might describe an employee as resistant to new technology. But what if that employee fears years of expertise will become irrelevant? What if the new system threatens their confidence? The leader still needs to implement the change, but the conversation can become more respectful and productive when that loss is acknowledged.

Instead of, “Why won’t you get on board?” we might ask, “What concerns you most about this change?” Or, “What part of your work do you want to make sure we preserve?” Or even, “What support would help you feel confident?”

That is compassionate leadership. It’s not giving up standards. It’s remembering that people are more than the tasks they perform.

There’s another dimension that concerns me: the relationship between performance and self-worth. Many of us have learned to feel valuable when we produce, achieve, solve problems, or make ourselves indispensable.

Sometimes those beliefs have roots in earlier experiences of loss. A person who was overlooked may work tirelessly to earn approval. Someone who experienced financial instability may feel that slowing down is dangerous. A leader once humiliated for making a mistake may find it almost impossible to admit uncertainty.

Those beliefs may once have helped us survive. But they can gradually shrink the life we allow ourselves to live.

If you recognize yourself in this, I don’t want you to criticize yourself. I want you to become curious. Ask, “What am I afraid will happen if I am no longer the person who always delivers?”

Perhaps you’re afraid of losing respect. Perhaps belonging. Perhaps security. The fear may point toward a value that matters deeply. And that value may be expressed in more than one way.

I often invite people to separate their role from their purpose. A role describes the work we do in a particular setting. Purpose speaks to what matters to us and how we want to contribute.

A teacher may retire from the classroom and continue inspiring learning through mentoring. An executive may leave leadership and discover new ways to support emerging leaders. A nurse may step away from bedside care and still bring compassion to education or advocacy.

Of course, transitions are not always freely chosen. Job loss can threaten basic financial security. Workplace discrimination and harmful conditions are real. Peace does not mean calling injustice an opportunity or telling someone to be grateful for a painful event.

But when the time is right, we can ask: “What parts of my purpose are still alive, even if the way I express them needs to change?”

Here is a practice you can try. Finish these three sentences:

“The part of my work I most fear losing is…”

“The value beneath that fear is…”

“One way I can express that value, regardless of my title, is…”

If you fear losing influence, perhaps contribution matters. If you fear losing a team, perhaps connection matters. If you fear losing your expertise, perhaps competence and learning matter. Once you name the value, you may discover more than one way to live it.

Then choose one small action. Have an honest conversation about your workload. Mentor someone. Ask for mentoring yourself. Pursue an idea that has been waiting. Rest if you are exhausted. Consider who you are when no one is evaluating your performance.

I believe peaceful purpose is not the absence of ambition. We can aim high, lead well, and contribute meaningfully without demanding that our jobs carry the entire weight of our identity.

We can learn to say, “I care about my work. I take responsibility for my contribution. And I am still worthy of dignity and love when my role changes.”

That is where a different relationship with work can begin.

A question to carry forward

If your title changed tomorrow, which part of your purpose would you still want to carry forward?

Continue Practicing Peace

Explore Practicing Peace, a free 12-lesson audio course with Elizabeth Hamilton-Guarino and Dr. Katie Eastman, coauthors of The Peace Guidebook. Discover practical ways to navigate stress, difficult emotions, relationships, grief, and life changes with greater awareness and compassion.

Listen to the free course: https://www.besteveryouacademy.com/freeinnerpeacecourse

Pause. Breathe. Choose.

About the author

Dr. Katie Eastman is a licensed psychotherapist, Master Grief & Transition Coach, and organizational change consultant with more than forty years of experience helping individuals, families, and leaders navigate grief, loss, and change. She is the coauthor, with Elizabeth Hamilton-Guarino, of the international bestselling The Peace Guidebook: How to Cultivate Hope, Healing, and Harmony for the Good of Humankind, and author of UPLIFTING: Inspiring Stories of Loss, Change, and Growth. Through counseling, coaching, speaking, and consulting, she helps people recognize unacknowledged losses and move from uncertainty toward meaning and compassionate action. Learn more at DrKatieEastman.com and PercolatePeace.com.