Why “To Be Honest” May Be Hurting Your Communication

James T. Meadows on Communication, Honesty, Clarity & Trust in Relationships

Think about the last time you needed to emphasize a very important point. It might have been a conversation (or yes, an argument) with your partner, a relative, or a colleague. You felt that the person was having difficulty comprehending the veracity of your words. If you’re like most of us (including me), you probably pulled the “honesty card.”

· “Honestly, that is exactly what happened.”

· “In all honesty, that is how I interpreted the situation.”

· “To be honest with you, Jayne, that appointment was never cancelled.”

Why do we pull the honesty card?

Before we unpack all that, let’s review some life fundamentals. Our communication drives our relationships, and our relationships drive our leadership, and our leadership drives our ultimate success. We can never escape these dynamics. That’s exactly why we must focus first on our communication. Giving diligent attention to all elements of our communication is in everyone’s best interests.

Do we genuinely want to be honest?

Another term for pulling the honesty card is “honesty validator.” Somehow we believe by incorporating “honest” or “honesty” or “honestly” into our conversation, we thereby validate the truth of our words. After all, we referenced the fundamental virtue of honesty and therefore it must be more convincing. This approach suggests the transmission of insider information to which other parties do not have access; a special favor is involved. Because a special favor is being done, we infer it must be based on honesty, truth, and integrity. At least those are the implications that usually run through people’s minds. Unfortunately, all the above belies the presence of honesty, truth, and integrity.

Do we want to send an unintended message?

Paul Grice, was a 20th-century British philosopher of language and the founder of Gricean pragmatics. He taught at Oxford University and at the University of California, Berkeley. One of his relevant principles here is that language is assumed to be cooperative and economical. Anytime you add a word or phrase that technically is unnecessary, you could be signaling the opposite. In this case, if honesty is your default position, then why do you want to signal that honesty is not your default position?

When we pull the honesty card or use honesty validators, an unintended, tragic, potent message is sent. By virtue of drawing special attention to the honesty of this communication, it subliminally sends the message that “yes, I’m being honest with you at this moment, but all my other past and future statements to you might be dishonest. So can you ever really trust me?” A very wise man once said let your yes be yes and your no be no. Adding certain qualifiers can undermine the integrity of the statement. Of course, most people hear this and scream, “No, I am always honest!” Sadly, the unintended message contradicts that declaration, and it is the unintended message and its tragic consequences that we want to avoid.

Remember the fundamentals. Our communication drives our relationships, and our relationships drive our leadership, and our leadership drives our ultimate success. These dynamics are always present.

Do we have a better word than honesty?

We have all fallen prey to these honesty validators. If we genuinely want to refine our communication, then we must give deep attention to the words we use because like it or not, words have meaning, and that

includes the meaning we intend to convey and the meaning the recipient interprets (which may or may not be the same). Therefore, we must ask ourselves, do we have a better word than honesty that would convey the actual meaning we want to convey? What is a word that faithfully conveys the noble nature of our communication? What is a word that does not intrinsically taint the veracity of our tongue the moment we utter it?

As a lifelong writer and speaker, I have not been immune to this problem. Indeed, I have often been one of its victims much to my frustration at the damage it causes when I succumb. Nevertheless, having given considerable thought to this perplexing challenge, I have arrived at a solution that works very well for me. Perhaps it will work for you too.

Throw away your honesty card!

In my experience, the infinitely superior simple solution is to throw away your honesty card. Replace honesty validators with what I call “clarity validators.” Ultimately, honesty validators while thought to be indicators of truth, are actually indicators of falsehood. Clarity validators are indicators of truth. Ponder whether you are more comfortable with these clarity validators that were previously written as honesty validators.

· To be clear with you, . . . .

· In all clarity, . . . .

· Clearly, . . . .

· If I’m really being clear with you, . . . .

Clarity validators do not destroy the core of your soul and virtue. If anything, they elicit respect, comfort, and confidence because the recipient realizes you are trying to add accuracy and precision to your communication. On the other hand, honesty validators fundamentally destroy the core of your soul and virtue.

People will typically forgive you for fumbling clarity because anyone can make a mistake. People struggle with forgiving you for fumbling honesty because honesty is a choice. Therefore, unless you actually want to demonstrate that your words are not trustworthy, then let’s eliminate honesty validators from our conversation and instead use clarity validators.

Prepare for your mind’s battle.

If you embrace this clarity validator logic and determine to replace all your honesty validators with clarity validators, then prepare for battle! It took me a very long time to reprogram and reinforce all my autopilot statements in my cerebral language library. At times it was very frustrating because I often caught myself the moment after my honesty validators rolled off the tip of my tongue. Nevertheless, if you genuinely embrace the clarity validator logic, then you owe it to yourself and your audience to master this linguistic method. Eventually, you will succeed in replacing your mental library of honesty validators with clarity validators, and everyone will be better for it.

Are you ready to throw away your honesty card? Clearly, if I can do it, you can too.

Connect with James: linkedin.com/in/jamesmeadows