What Does Practicing Peace Actually Look Like?

We talk about wanting more peace in our lives. We want peaceful homes, peaceful relationships, peaceful workplaces, peace in our communities, and peace in the world. But what does practicing peace actually look like on an ordinary day?

Sometimes it looks a lot less complicated than we think. It might look like taking a breath before answering an email that upset you. It might mean deciding not to participate in an argument. It could be putting your phone down and really listening to someone. It might be asking yourself what you can control instead of exhausting yourself over everything you can't. And sometimes, practicing peace is simply noticing another human being and choosing to be kind.

I was reminded of that in a beautiful way during my recent visit to WCCO CBS Minnesota. I was there to talk about The Peace Guidebook, which I co-authored with Dr. Katie Eastman. I've done hundreds of interviews throughout my career, but this one was different.

(WCCO News segment with Elizabeth, Amelia, Erin and The Peace Guidebook)

https://www.cbsnews.com/minnesota/video/author-visits-minnesota-with-a-message-peace-is-a-practice-not-a-destination/

My mom's home in Lakeville, Minnesota, had been destroyed by fire just days earlier. She and my uncle escaped by crawling out of the house in their pajamas and bare feet. My mom was bruised and her hair was singed. Everything inside the house was gone. I had originally traveled to Minnesota for previously scheduled media appearances and book signings. Suddenly, I was also here to help my mom and be with my family. My family insisted that I continue with the appearances, so I did.

I walked into WCCO carrying much more than anyone looking at me could possibly have known.

And that's important, because don't we all?

We Aren't Wearing T-Shirts That Explain Our Lives

Imagine if everyone we encountered wore a T-shirt announcing what they were carrying. I'm grieving. I'm worried about my child. I haven't slept. I'm scared about money. Someone I love is sick. My relationship is struggling. My mom's house just burned down.

We might treat one another very differently.

But nobody is wearing the T-shirt. We walk past each other in grocery stores. We sit beside each other at work. We encounter one another in traffic. We exchange emails. We stand together in elevators. We interact online. Most of the time, we know almost nothing about what is happening behind another person's smile.

That's why kindness matters so much. People shouldn't have to explain their pain before we offer them compassion.

Someone Changed My Moment

Before my WCCO interview, I met Frank Vascellaro in the green room. I was nervous. Frank didn't know everything I was carrying when I walked into that room. He simply took the time to talk with me, make me feel comfortable, and help settle my nerves.

It was a small interaction, except it wasn't small to me.

That's something we sometimes forget about kindness. We measure an act by how much effort it required from us instead of how much it may have meant to the person receiving it. A smile can be small to you and enormous to someone else. A phone call can take five minutes and change someone's entire day. Asking "Are you okay?" costs nothing. Listening to the answer may mean everything.

Peace Is a Practice

I then had the opportunity to sit down with WCCO's Amelia Santaniello and Erin Hassanzadeh for a wonderful conversation about The Peace Guidebook. We talked about peace, stress, gratitude, grief, hope, family, and what it means to practice peace when life itself doesn't feel very peaceful.

WCCO titled the segment, "Peace is a practice, not a destination." I love that because it captures something Dr. Katie Eastman and I believe deeply.

If we think peace is a destination, we keep waiting for circumstances to cooperate. I'll be peaceful when this problem is solved. I'll feel better when work settles down. I'll relax when everyone else stops causing problems. I'll find peace when life becomes easier.

But life doesn't work that way.

There will always be something we didn't anticipate. Peace has to be available to us in the middle of real life. That's why Dr. Katie Eastman and I teach Pause. Breathe. Choose.

Pause interrupts the automatic reaction. Breathe gives your body and nervous system an opportunity to settle. Choose reminds you that even when you can't control the situation, you still have choices about how you meet it. You can choose your words. You can choose your next action. You can choose where you place your attention. You can choose whether you add more anger to a situation or bring something different to it. You can choose kindness.

Peace isn't perfection. It's practice.

Control What You Can Control

One of the greatest sources of stress is spending our energy trying to control things that aren't ours to control. Other people's behavior, the past, what someone thinks of us, what might happen tomorrow, unexpected events, and life itself can consume enormous amounts of our attention.

There is freedom in asking yourself one simple question: What can I control right now?

Maybe you can make the phone call. Maybe you can apologize. Maybe you can ask for help. Maybe you can take the next step. Maybe you can stop responding for a moment and breathe. Maybe you can simply decide how you want to show up.

We can't control everything that happens to us, but we have far more influence over what we bring to the moment than we sometimes realize.

Gratitude Is a Perspective

Gratitude is another part of practicing peace. Gratitude doesn't mean everything is wonderful. It doesn't require us to deny pain or pretend that difficult things aren't happening.

Gratitude is a perspective.

You can go through life pointing out everything that's wrong, or you can also notice what's right. You can focus exclusively on what someone didn't do, or remember all the times they showed up. You can spend your time thinking about what's missing, or appreciate what's still here.

Especially the people.

I have said for years that we are not entitled to time.

We aren't promised another ordinary morning, another phone call, another dinner, or another chance to tell someone we love them. So why wait? Love people now. Thank people now. Appreciate people now. Give people a little more grace now.

The Kindness Continued

After my interview with Amelia and Erin was over, I left the studio and headed outside to meet my Uber driver. On my way out of WCCO, I happened to bump into station manager Ann Ouellette.

We started talking, and what could have been a quick hello became such a wonderful conversation as I made my way outside. It was another unexpected human connection and another person taking a little time.

As I left WCCO, I found myself thinking about the entire experience.

I had walked into the station to talk about peace, but everywhere I turned, I experienced kindness.

Frank offered it before the interview. Amelia and Erin created the space for a meaningful and thoughtful conversation during it. Ann offered it through an unexpected conversation as I was leaving.

None of them knew when they woke up that morning that something they said or did would become part of an article about kindness.

And that's exactly the point.

You May Never Know

You may never know when you're the person who changes someone's moment. You may never know how badly someone needed the smile you gave them. You may never know what your patience prevented. You may never know how much your phone call mattered. You may never know what someone was carrying when you decided to give them grace instead of judgment.

And you don't need to know.

We shouldn't require someone's story before deciding they're worthy of our kindness.

Imagine what our homes, workplaces, communities, and world might feel like if we approached one another that way. Not perfectly. Not without boundaries. Not without disagreements. But with a little more humanity.

We often think changing the world requires something enormous. Sometimes it starts with the person standing right in front of us.

Listen. Notice. Help. Thank. Forgive when you can. Give someone another minute. Control what you can control. Be grateful for the people who are here, and remember that we are not entitled to time.

Peace doesn't begin someday when everything finally settles down. It begins here, in this conversation, in this reaction, in this choice, and in the way we treat another human being.

Pause. Breathe. Choose.

Because peace is not simply something we hope for.

Peace is something we practice.

Elizabeth Hamilton-Guarino

Elizabeth Hamilton-Guarino is the founder of Best Ever You and co-author with Dr. Katie Eastman of The Peace Guidebook, a practical guide to cultivating peace through presence, compassion, resilience, partnership, and intentional choices.

(A very special thank you to Cher Murphy and WCCO producer Annie Kelby.)